Poetic Rants and birodoodles
Panic at the checkout
I only wanted loo roll and some crumpets for my tea,
And milk so I could brew a good old cup of rosie lee
It should have taken minutes – maybe fifteen at the most.
If people try to speak to me right now, they will be toast!
I plodded through the supermarket doors and nearly froze,
Again, I had forgotten that I needed extra clothes.
Of course, it is essential that they keep a fridge or two,
But must the store itself be cold enough to turn us blue?
I set off rather smartly for some fresh milk from the dairy,
To find the semi-skimmed sold out, which was extraordinary.
Behind me, someone warned of snow and inclement conditions,
In three or four months’ time, so we should stock up with provisions!
Have I missed out on something? For Christ’s sake, it’s September.
We’re lucky if we see a flurry, even in December!
The battleaxe beside me glares, as I reach in the chiller,
If she keeps me from the last full cream, I fear I’ll have to kill her.
The snow-phobes hadn’t yet wiped out the toilet roll supply,
At least I didn’t have to fight to keep all clean and dry,
But what a choice we have, these days – now 2ply is just one,
There’s 3ply, quilted, scented, velvet tissue for my bum!
I can almost smell the crumpets, with the loaves on the next aisle,
But then this stupid woman stood before me with a smile.
“Well hi! How nice to see you. How are things, today?” she said.
“Thank you, Yes, I’m fine, if I can just get to the bread…?!”
Before long, I have figured out this supermarket scheme,
The cashier at the checkout is replaced by a machine.
Now, I’m not an idiot, a simpleton or fool,
But soon I’m made to feel as though I never went to school!
I clutch my ‘bag-for-life’ as I approach with apprehension,
But it appears that ‘eco-friendly’ is beyond its comprehension,
So, to start with, I am charged for plastic bags I do not need,
And all I ever use them for is storing chicken feed!
The automated checkout speaks – it couldn’t be much scarier,
“YOU HAVE AN UNEXPECTED ITEM IN YOUR BAGGAGE AREA”
Everybody turns to look, thinking they’ve caught a thief,
As a murderous – looking supervisor comes to my relief.
At last, I’m out! I swear to God I’ll not do that again,
Whoever thought up that idea was clinically insane!
From now on, you’ll not see me on the supermarket floor,
I’ll order stuff online and they can bring it to my door!
Panic at the Checkout and birodoodle by Maddy Sykes